How To Live At A Higher Standard

 

In this episode of I Love Being Sober, recorded live at Camelback Recovery’s outpatient treatment center in Scottsdale, Arizona, host Tim Westbrook sits down with Michael Bernoff — founder of the Human Communication Institute, developer of Human Interaction Technology™, and author of Average Sucks. Michael has been alcohol-free since New Year’s Eve 2016, not because he hit a rock bottom, but because he made a clear-eyed decision: there was nothing good about drinking, and he refused to be an influence that pulled anyone else toward it.

This conversation goes deep into the psychology of language and identity in recovery. Michael breaks down why the words ‘sober’ and ‘addict’ can quietly keep people stuck, why ‘learning to live differently’ is a more powerful frame than ‘getting sober,’ and what it actually means to raise your average when you’ve been running on empty. The live audience at Camelback Recovery joins in with real questions — and Michael works through them in real time, demonstrating exactly the kind of powerful, in-the-moment coaching that has impacted hundreds of thousands of people worldwide.

Topics covered: the decision to stop drinking, language and identity in recovery, Human Interaction Technology, raising your average, the word ‘addict’ and why it may be working against you, learning to live differently, self-image, communication strategies, CORE Live event, and what it means to become an example for someone else.

If you’re in recovery or considering treatment in the Phoenix or Scottsdale area — or anywhere in the country — this episode will challenge the way you think about sobriety and give you practical tools you can use today.

#ILoveBeingSober #CamelbackRecovery #MichaelBernoff #AverageSucks #SobrietyPodcast #RecoveryPhoenix #RecoveryScottsdale #ArizonaRecovery #LiveDifferently #HumanInteractionTechnology #AddictionRecovery #SoberLife #LanguageMatters #IdentityInRecovery #PersonalDevelopment #OutpatientTreatment #CORELive

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How To Live At A Higher Standard

How The Words You Use, The Identity You Build, And One Decision To Live Differently Can Change Everything In Recovery And In Life

Welcome to the show. My guest is the founder of the Human Communication Institute and the developer of human interaction technology. A powerful framework for understanding the psychological triggers and communication strategies that determine why people do what they do and what it actually takes to change. He has an uncanny natural ability to read people, lower resistance, and get individuals moving in a direction they have not been able to move on their own.

He is the author of Average Sucks: Why You Don’t Get What You Want (And What to Do About It). He runs the transformational live events, and he has impacted hundreds of thousands of people around the world. He has been on this show before, and I am fired up to have him back. Please welcome Michael Bernoff.

I am excited to be here. I love that intro. Thank you. This is an honor to get invited back. That is a big deal.

Last time we did it virtually, and now we are doing them live with the live audience.

Good-looking audience. This is going to be fun. Let us have a lot of fun.

Getting To Know Michael & His Relationship With Sobriety

For people in this room who do not know you yet, give us the quick version. Who are you? What do you do? How did you end up doing it?

It has a lot of questions. I will get it. I will do my best to explain that. I believe the best way to explain it is that I am a guy obsessed with what makes people do what they do. I have been doing it my entire life. I have always been shocked. Like, “Why do they do that? Why does he do that? How do I get that?” I never had the answers as a kid. I have great parents, wonderful parents. I lucked out. I got great parents who did not teach me how to do it, but they gave me some ill-advice. They said, “Work hard, be a good person.” I was a good person, worked hard, and still did not get what I wanted.

One day, I found out that there are people who actually do things that can teach you how to be great. I have dedicated my life to filling the gaps of what school does not offer people, what big brother, big sister, I do not mean the government big brother, but I mean like your older brother, older sister may not be able to teach you how to do. That has been my obsession for years. Figuring out what makes people perform at the highest level, why people do things they do not want to do, how to stop that, and how to break that pattern. What got me started was that I grew up very average. I wrote a book, Average Sucks. I grew up in New Jersey. Am I talking to the audience as well or just you?

You are talking to all of us. Anyone from New Jersey?

Another angry guy. Good. Theranos is real. If you have not seen that show, that is just legit. The point is, I grew up average, a little lower to middle-class kid. I would see people who did things that I wanted, and my parents would just let me know that that is how it worked. I am part of that generation where I did not really want to pay attention in school. They felt that there was something wrong with me. They drugged me immediately. They got me on Ritalin at a very young age because I did not, I was not interested in paying attention. I was just bored with the teacher.

Instead, they sat me down. They said, “There is something wrong with you.” They got me to a therapist, and they said that “This is about thirteen years old, very impressionable mind. When people walk by, do you look up?” I said, “Yes.” They said, “You probably are going to have a screwed-up life your whole life. You probably have about a ten percent chance that your life is going to go well,” which is almost hypnotic. It was a command from a doctor, and I am luckily someone who does not like to listen. I said, I will take ten percent.

I am going to be the one who does not work for it. I remember saying that, and they got me on drugs, Ritalin to start with. I am not knocking it if anybody needs it, but I did not need it. I just needed more exciting teachers. They got me where I could not sleep, and then they put me on antidepressants because I could not sleep, and then my mouth was dry, and then they put me on stuff to salivate, and this is all because I was not interested in the direction they wanted for my life. It was not until I got older that I realized how much power that person had in suggesting that.

They could have suggested, “Listen, you can go outside and go for a run. Do you know that you could eat this? You could do that.” I took the suggestion, I listened for a while, and then I realized that I did not need to study what was wrong with me because that is what my parents wanted me to do to figure out what was wrong with me, and I could study how to become a person who actually gets what I want. I started doing what I do. Long story short, I went to college.

I was supposed to find a school that helped me with this ADD thing, and my parents paid for a guidance counselor, and they wound up sending me to a school instead of going to a school that had a, supposed to go to the University of Arizona. The lady screwed up and sent me to the largest party school in the world, Arizona State. It was a college roommate of mine who got me into entrepreneurship at a young age. Luckily, through entrepreneurship, I found personal development. I failed out of ASU after two years, and I went to community college.

While I was there, they said, “Do you read?” I said, “Not much.” They said, “You probably should.” I found how to win friends and influence people. I had no idea that you could learn yourself better. I did not realize that the guy did not. The girl you wanted to date, he does different things. If you did it, you could date her, too. I had no idea the guy was in great shape. You could do that, too. The guy who gets sober, you can do that too. School was teaching you why people are drunk, and I was learning how to help people get sober. Anyways, it was a screw up by a person that got me into what I do. That is the short version.

I have heard that story before. Side note. Donnie Starkins does. You know him from ASU. He has been to, you guys know Donnie.

I forgot you know Donnie.

Donnie and I go way back.

He lived behind me in the condos when we were eighteen years old.

He leads breathwork and mindfulness classes here every Tuesday at the outpatient treatment center. I told him yesterday that you were coming in, and he said, “Michael was the first one who gave me Adderall.” I probably did. He said, “He had it for ADHD.”

I took it to study. He took it for goodnight. I am just messing around. I am just teasing Donnie. I do not know why.

I think he took it to study.

No, he took it to study. I am just teasing. The first time. The point is, guys, that is methylphenidate. It is a match. I do not know what to put in it. It is literally a class two controlled substance. They keep it in a safe down below. That is not an easy thing to get. I had it. I am like, “Shit works for me. You can have it too.” That is crazy. That is a good thing to be known for. I was trying to help them.

Always trying to help people.

Always trying, even at that age. I literally would hand it out because I just thought it was normal. I thought, “Did you need to sleep here or take this?” I had no idea.

You do not drink, you have been sober a long time, and I want to ask you about that. Because you are not someone who walks around calling yourself an alcoholic, what is your relationship with alcohol? When did you decide it just was not for you?

I do not have a relationship with it. That is the one thing we all need to do. A lot of people still have a relationship with it. I know exactly what it was. New Year’s Eve 2016. I am with all the beautiful people. I am in North Scottsdale. I am at a place called the Princess. Do you know the petite busy? I am out to dinner, and I am looking around, and we’re drinking that night with a group of people that I really enjoy. I am really not having any fun. I do not know if you guys have ever been sober around drunk people and people bumping into people. People are in our crowd in my space.

Do you know what I am saying? I am the sober one. I am looking around like, “I like the people I am with, but I do not want to be with these other people. I am going to wake up tired tomorrow. I do not even enjoy this. Why am I doing this?” I left the party for a minute in my mind. I realized double, “Why am I doing this? On a Monday, I am helping people with problems that have alcohol and drug issues, awful things happen.” I realized all of us are influential. If you’re an aunt, you’re an uncle, you’re a guy walking down the street.

You walk down the street, and you light up a cigarette, you light up a blunt, you light up something, you’re just encouraging someone else to do it. You do not even realize you’re doing it. Even if you’re out for a run, you’re encouraging someone to either run or be mad that they did not run. I am sitting here, we’re taking pictures, and I am like, “Wait a second, this is going online. People are looking at me, and I am an influence on people’s lives. We all are. Why is it that I am doing this?” That night, I remember saying to myself these words, “I am going to accept that I am influential because we all are. I am not going to be the guy that screws anyone else’s life up.”

It was not that I had a major issue myself. It was that I was drinking for absolutely no reason at all. I thought about it. I said, “I would rather be an example of a sober guy.” I am not saying it was easy. I am not saying the next couple of months were easy, but man, six months later, a year later, I did not even know any better than to drink anymore. I went out to dinner with Joe and everybody. One person had one cocktail out of sixteen people at dinner. When I first drank, everyone drank.

The biggest reason I quit was that it served no purpose in my life. I really believed I did not want to be the guy to screw anybody else up because I truly believe that any of you who look in the mirror, do not be guilty about it. The way we live is an inspiration for somebody. I would rather be an inspiration for a guy who does not drink than someone who does. People are copycats. People are going to watch the show. They will buy the book because you recommend it.

The way you live is an inspiration to somebody. Share on X

They will watch the show. Like, “I should probably get mugs like this.” You’re promoting this beautiful coffee, but that is a good place to promote the coffee or the tea from there. That is the reason I stopped. It was literally December 31st, around 10:00 at night, 2016, never had a drink again. I do not know if that was God that talked to me. I do not know if that was me just trying to tell him at a shelf to shut up. I do not know what it was.

I have been sober for fifteen years.

You got me beat. I am going to chase you.

I do not think you’re going to get sober. When I first got sober, if you did not drink, it was because you were an alcoholic. People are like, “You do not drink? You must be an alcoholic.” Today, there are a lot of people who do not drink. It is like the cat is out of the bag. There is nothing good about drinking. There is nothing good about it.

The only good thing about it is that if you want to support a bunch of people you do not know who have money. The bad kind of that is the hospitals for the ODs. Does that make sense?

Yes.

Bartles and James, if you want to support a bunch of companies, and there is nothing good that comes out of making a joke, and the reason I say addict is I do not like that word. I do not like it. I think it comes with it. There is nothing wrong with the word, but walking around calling yourself an addict, I do not think, is the smartest thing.

It is like when you go to an AA meeting, “My name is Tim. I am an alcoholic.”

I get it, and I respect it.

I have and I do it and there are people that say, “My name is Tim. I am in recovery. I am in long-term recovery or I am an alcoholic in long-term recovery,” which I think is better than “My name is Tim. I am an alcoholic,” because when you say I am an alcoholic, you’re like, that is the energy you’re putting out.

Up front, I do agree. I do agree at the beginning. You want to admit it in your first couple of months in. After a while, it’s like, “You know what? I found a better way to live and really come from a different place.” We can go deeper on that later.

I am a person in long-term recovery, which I like, as it feels better.

I have been making my life work for a while. I lived in a way that did not work.

I lived in chaos. I was selfish, self-centered. It was all about Tim.

It is very selfish to have a problem that you do not deal with. The reason it is selfish is that, and I call that out, like, “if you do not take care of your finances, and people are going to depend on you at some point in your life, and you take 20 to 30 years to not do anything about it. I do not think that is the most likely thing to do. People should be on the search to be the best version of themselves. They do not have to be perfect, but I think people should step up and be their best, and nothing about alcohol or drugs makes you a better person. I know that for a case. You would be a good partier. Is that anybody’s goal to be the best partier?

People should be searching for the best version of themselves. They do not have to be perfect, but they should step up and be their best. Share on X

How is that supportive? How is that being helpful? How is that being useful?

I could not be around anymore. I go to Old Town, as we will go to dinner. I got to go home at like seven. Not that I want to get pulled in. I find it disgusting. I am not judging anybody anymore, but it is like, do you remember the smell of the mat? If you ever want to start drinking, just smell the mat underneath all the drinks at the bar. Do you know what I am saying?

They had a drink called the bar mat. Anyone drunk that or the Windex? The Windex was the bar rack. It is terrible.

Been there. That is disgusting. You and I share a bad thing in common.

Whenever you have a group of people, even going to like sports games, a Cardinals game these days, you look around, it used to be everybody was drinking, and now you look around, and I am looking at him like “Everybody is drinking water.”

Considering the beer is $84. You have to give a kidney to get one. I am happy they are doing that. It is nice. The water thing is great. It is wonderful that people are drinking water. We will make sure it is good water. I love the people who are not drinking as much, but I have noticed that comes back to the DUI cutbacks on physical abuse and all that other stuff. I love that. I also ask if they are not doing that, the world did not magically get safer and better. What else are we doing? The social thing is a little bit going down, but that is a whole different conversation.

It is. You have worked with hundreds of thousands of people across all walks of life. When you look at the people in a room like this, people in recovery, what do you notice that is different about them compared to other audiences?

Nothing at all. They’re human. I do not believe there is anything different. I believe we all have challenges. Everybody’s thing that they’re dealing with is I look at people, and my wife is like, “These are my first messages. How can I not judge? How can I not get bothered by people?” I care so much that I do not care at all. I do not need to baby anybody. We’re all dealing with something. It just depends on what that thing is. It is what emotion we’re having. It could be going through a divorce. It could be that our parents got divorced.

It could be that our mother left us in a subway when we were nine. It could be that we did not get a Lego set. It could be that I did not get a pony, or my company lost a hundred million dollars. It fell off my bike. I crashed my car. Everybody either has what they want or they do not, and it is either you’re here or you’re there, and most people here want to get there. That is all I really see is I see a group of human beings that are here, that if you want to get there, or you’re happy with here, or not happy with here. I do not think it would be any different who was in the room.

You could put billionaires because I think there are a couple of billionaires here, but who wants to be the next billionaire? Does anybody want that? I got one guy. I like that guy. The point is, I do not really see anything different, and if you see something different, you will have to really look into that because there is absolutely nothing different at all about a person. It is one of the beliefs I have. There is nothing different about a person who is struggling with something and a person who does not know they’re about to struggle with something. That is a very important understanding that most people have. It is self-image. Have you read a Maxwell Maltz book, Psycho-Cybernetics?

No.

Self-esteem is a concept. He was a plastic surgeon back in the ‘40s or ‘50s. He realized that he would change women’s bodies and realize they’re still miserable because self-esteem was the self-image, and self-esteem and one is how I perceive another human being sees me. Number two is how I see myself, but man, that is the game changer. You change your self-image, how you see yourself, and change the perception that other people have of you. Everything starts to get easier in your life. I see a room of people who have a self-image and self-esteem, but is it the one they want? We like to upgrade those.

It is like whatever you believe is true. If I believe that I can or believe that I cannot, I am right.

Just a T at the end. Same T in there and here. It is like a cross.

Of course, you can do it. Anybody can do anything.

That is the response. A lot of us did not get that from our mom and dad when we were kids. Like, “I want to get sober.” I would like, “Of course you can.” Simple, easy. May not happen in the next five minutes, but man. Guys like you totally can figure it out. If people talked like that with you, God, it would be great. The problem is, you’re like, I do not know if I believe them. I know I believe in myself.

Once you fix words, everything changes because it is all words. It is so easy to talk about these days of AI. Who plays with AI? Anybody? We all have, right? Dude, AI is never as powerful as words. There is no AI without words. Ninety-nine of our problems are words. Actually, all our problems and all of our solutions are words. Something bad happens. We talk about it to ourselves. We keep on repeating it. You want that repeat to go away that you put there. It is a God. You know what I am saying? Versus that was a moment in time. It was a couple of seconds. I made a mistake.

That is not your identity.

It is not. You do not have a cell in your body left from when you were nine years old, and your uncle did that shit. Nothing. Zero. It is gone. You’re not even that person anymore. Unless you want to be, which nobody should.

If that is what you believe, then yes, of course, that is what you are.

I would be in pain too if I believed that I was what I did. One of my mentors taught me this great lesson. Your past is good for two things. Learning and laughing. That is it. If not, get the hell out of that. Is one of my mentors, and he coaches me on stuff. He goes, “In the past, man, we’re going to laugh, or we’re going to learn.”

When he met Alex Rodriguez with that, he worked with him as a decent baseball player. What happened was Frank Thomas, one of the things he said was, “If you look at every pitch that you either miss, it is in the past. Let us either laugh at it or learn from it. If you live there, you will be miserable.” The future, too, is a dangerous place. We’re going to visit it. We’re going to put a stake in the ground, and then we’re coming now. Which is what I know you believe in.

Of course. Tell us about CORE Live.

You know about it too.

I know about it. I love it. I have been to the event. I am going to go again.

That is impressive when you get invited back, and someone wants to see you again. It is two and a half days working on the most important person in your life, which is yourself. That is the biggest thing. Two and a half days figuring out what makes you do what you do. The coolest part about it is you’re in a room of a few hundred people, and you start to realize that we all are that thing that your mom did when you were nine, the thing your brother did, there were reasons for all of that, not right or wrong. There were patterns.

Once you learn the pattern, it literally gets you to be 2 to 3 seconds ahead of most people, meaning you’ll walk into a situation, see a guy in a subway in New York, you’ll see a guy walking down the street, you’ll understand the homeless man, you’ll understand your brother, you’ll have three seconds before you reach for the glass. You’ll have a second because you’ll recognize the pattern. The entire event is what makes us do what we do, and how to create something. It is the class we never took that we should have taken in school. How many of you went to kindergarten at some point?

Think about this, your first day of kindergarten. The first thing they should ask you is, “What kind of life do you want?” I know we would not have known the answer, but I would have said I want to be a mailman. I promise you I would have. They have those cool Jeeps. They drive around all day. They go to people’s houses. They get to talk to everybody. They get gifts for the holidays. My teacher should have said, “Here’s the script on how to be a mailman.” If I had changed, I wanted to be a baseball player, I could have gotten a script. The core is about the class we never took in school, the one that helps you build the identity of the person you want.

Number two is really getting you to build that self-esteem the way that you need, because I remember being in school, and then I remember taking a test in school. Are you in trouble with tests? Do you guys have trouble? It’s funny, though, like here’s the material, and by the way, this is a test tomorrow, and they never told us that we’d have to not memorize. When I showed my first test, my brain went blank. I failed the first test. I think I am a loser.

I am bad at school. I thought it was bad at school until I was 31 years old. I thought I was not that smart at school until I rounded my friend Courtney, and he was a big tough guy because you’re 5 ‘4 and named Courtney, you’ve got to be tough. I told him I told my wife that this guy is so smart. He goes, Michael, you were smart, you just did not try, you did not apply yourself, because why would I apply myself? I did not think I was smart.

What happened was nobody taught me how to memorize, nobody taught me how to take a test, and my whole confidence was based on how well I did in school. Think about that for a second. Literally did not do well. Core teaches you how to develop the things you never picked up. Our confidence, our self-esteem, our structure, our communication, what makes us do what we do. What did you do for yourself? How would you explain it? That is the psychological version.

It has been a few years. I just remember it.

Your sister loved it too.

Yes, my sister loved it. I know lots of people who have gone to it. Also, to mention, probably twenty percent of the people in that room were in recovery. For me, it was just continued personal development. It was just peeling back another layer of the onion. I have done a lot of work in recovery, twelve steps, AA, seminars, your events, and Genius Network, I would put in that category as well. It is all just continued personal development, it is peeling back layers of the onion, it is digging deeper, it is figuring out why I do what I do, why I did what I did, and where am I now, where do I want to go, and what are the barriers and the obstacles that are getting in my way? That is a vague answer.

It is a good answer.

It has just helped me in my path to recovery and my personal development path. It is just another way for me to continue doing the work.

That is great. When you put it in the recovery sense, how many people are twelve steps or have been to a twelve-step meeting? I will tell you, I believe core step thirteen, which I would call BLW, dig them up and say, “Here’s step thirteen.” Step thirteen would be, I used to live differently. Now I know how to live differently. I used to live differently. Now this is how I live. That is a really great place to get your life going, you know what? I did things for a reason, and now I have learned skills, strategies, and techniques that are not me anymore.

It is actually letting go of how we were and building the person we’re capable of being that God put us here to be. If that is your faith, if that is what you do, you could fill in any blank you want there, but that is what I believe the event is for, like really building the person that we feel in our heart that we know we are. It is like a Tuesday afternoon, “I should be doing better, why am I not working out? What the hell are they doing that I am not doing?” Core is designed to actually introduce you to your future self and build such a beautiful relationship with that person, because I think that is one of the issues with people who have trouble with recovery.

They have such a great relationship with their past. They’re like, I am hugging their little boy, little girl. I am getting the chills to say this, but I never really built that future self, talked about it, built a relationship, built a bond, built a commitment for their future self. Your future self, meaning like two years from now, here’s who I am going to be. One of the beliefs I have is that I never do a day that I have not already had. I decide my day the night before I go to bed. I decide how the next day is going to go.

I am wrong a lot, but I am willing to be wrong, and I am right a lot. Every time I am right, my confidence goes up. “Holy shit, I did that.” I decided I am going to find a way to make someone. I made a lady call me today. I thought about this person yesterday. I am like, “I have not talked to Tracy in forever. Texted me this morning. I have not spoken to them in eight years.” If she had not called today, I never would have told you about it. I believe I did that. I start believing I am doing all this stuff. I start feeling unpowerful and powerful people can do anything.

In line with Joe Dispenza. It is like the frequency that you put out. That is what comes back. If I believe it is going to happen, if I believe I am going to get called, if I believe I can do XYZ, if I believe I can get RFK on my podcast, guess what? He is going to be on my podcast.

Can I tell you a crazy story about that?

Yes.

Corbin helped you out with that show.

Yes, he did.

He sat in my office the day before. He said, “Michael, here’s what I want to do. I want to get around more influential people and do something.” Literally, he left my office that day. You texted me three seconds later. I said, “Let us go.” That is how that worked. We all work together. Teamwork.

He did amazing. Andrew Murdoch edited the YouTube video, and he did that whole thing. He did an amazing job.

Good for you. Of course, you got him on the show. The guy like you does.

Of course. I remember when I was talking to my team about it, I said, “I am able to get RFK on the show.” They were all like rolling their eyes, going, “Sure, Tim.” Just as we got closer it they’re like, “Holy shit, it is actually happening.”

Of course. That is the thing, it is such a powerful word. I use this all the time with people, and I’ll say to them, like, someone will do something great, a guy goes, “I have not drank it for three days. Of course, you did not drink it for three days. You’re powerful.” Instead of, like, that is a good job. We’re not frigging seals, guys. Come on.” Stop being like, “Good job. You got it.” You’ve got to give them power. Of course you did, Dude, that is who you are. I see it. You see it. If we screw up, of course, that happened, but let us get back on. That word, of course, man, that is powerful. Of course you did.

Another thing I learned from you is that instead of saying I am proud of you, you should be proud of yourself. If you’re proud of yourself, if you say you should be proud of yourself, then they can recreate that instead of needing somebody else to give them validation. That is how you were.

It is huge. The greatest healing we get in life is not needing shit from anybody. I am just going to tell you when you finally get to the point where you do not need anything from anybody. A lot of us want mommy and daddy to say good job because we did not get it when we were nine years old. I appreciate that. I understand it. I wanted it because my dad is an aerospace engineer. I get it. I would say I would score to play ice hockey. Does anyone else like hockey at all? I like you.

Watching this series. It is great to watch the Stanley Cup right now. All I would score is a goal, and I’d knock out the guy on the other team, not knock him out, but I bump him, and he falls over, and I’d say, “Dad, great game,” but you missed that pass. He was not being rude. He was just pointing something out. An aerospace engineer. He was designed to like, if anything messed up, people died. It was pointed out different things.

When you say that point, what made me bring that up is as soon as you do not need anything from anybody, and it does not mean be a jerk, like subtle art of not giving a fuck, like we’re not talking that I am talking like, you do not need someone to make you happy because you make yourself happy. You can actually let people in. You actually can meet their soul and not just their exterior. The sooner you do not need things from people, like when I say, “Michael, did I do a good job?”

“Of course you did.” You do not need me to go, “Okay.” You get to own your life. Most people are waiting for applause because that is what we’ve been trained to do, versus giving ourselves applause, man. In my brain, I got a frigging full stadium, and they’re going, but I had to put it there. It was never there. I built it. I like that stadium. It is like a soccer stadium just cheering me on.

I love it. You do not need external validation. You’ve got your own cheerleaders.

It is a weakness. They’re teaching it every Saturday and Sunday in churches and temples all over the world, saying it is already inside of you. Stop looking externally. Everyone misses that message. I saw this thing yesterday. I saw this quote. It said, Pray as it depends on God.” It said, “Act as though he is not showing up.” What that meant is, act as though it depends on you. Pray as though it depends on God to get it done, but act as though it’ll require you, which means you’ve got to take action. I may not have quoted that perfectly, but man, that was good. It is like, let us pray. We’re going to get help, but if not, I am going to do it anyway. What a great way to live.

Responsibility.

Is that a real thing? I was going to blame you. Is it? It does not do anything. Blame me. I’ve never seen anybody. I’ve still to this day not seen somebody yell at an umpire and ever get a call turned around. Now you still want to yell because of the next call, but I’ve never seen a call on a sport ever get flipped, and I’ve never seen blaming work. All blaming can do is just flip the emotional calendar for down the road. I’ve never seen it once. If anyone could produce that, a million dollars for anybody could produce an instant switch. I’ll cut the check, but it has never happened in the history of sports. Some of that is all going to go on Google, and look, try to prove me wrong. The point is, it has never been switched. It never is. Blaming someone will absolutely 100% never work.

That is one of the first things I learned in the twelve-step program in recovery. Just being responsible. If I am not responsible, I am a victim. If I am not grateful, I am a victim. Life happens for me, not to me. As long as I fully own and take responsibility, then I have a chance, and I can make things different next time.

Truth has never destroyed a relationship. Lying has. You lie, and then you tell the truth. It was not the truth that I told you. You lied. That was the problem. Just telling the truth has never destroyed any relationship. The destruction was a lie. We lie to ourselves and say we cannot change. That is a lie because we can.

Truth has never destroyed a relationship. Lying has. Share on X

We can change.

That changed our relationship with ourselves, and recovery is the most beautiful thing in the world. Here is why. Even alcohol does a beautiful thing for people on drugs. It can offer you a relationship with yourself that you have never had before. If you look at it that way and you get past it, do not go back for more. Does that make sense? What is amazing is that if you’re recovering, one of the most beautiful things that you can ever do is realize, I am building a relationship with myself because nothing will drive you more to that than a challenge.

Mindset – The Foundation

People in recovery, early recovery, are often told to just not drink or one day at a time. That is not a mindset. That is a rule. What is the difference, and why does it matter?

People do not like rules. People like structure. I would say this, “Here is a plan that has worked before for other people.” When I started working with anorexics years ago, which is like a whole, people do not become anorexic unless they have usually had some physical notion of sexual harm. They can believe they’re anorexic. Most people study why someone is anorexic. I figured out how people actually stop being anorexic.

You could study why people are anorexic, and they can learn how to create anorexia. I then learned how to get people actually this way. When you look at it as a rule, I would say some people look at it as a rule. It is a path. When you change the word from rule to path, driven people, which alcoholics are driven because we’re driven to drink, will take our drive and go on a path. The reason I like rule versus path, they’re words, but they’re different rules. Be honest. How many of you like rules? How many hate rules?

How many of you go to a place like Disney and cannot stay on those lines? I do not like that stuff. I do not want to be in a line. I do not want to go on a line at all. This is a path that has worked for many and will probably work for you. If you’re helping somebody, you’re sponsoring somebody, you’re working with somebody, you love your friends, say, “Here is a path that has worked for me. I love to share with you because advice and direction are two different things. That is one thing. What is the other part of the question?

One day at a time versus just not drinking.

One day at a time is great. I like one day at a time. I also like paths. I would say to them, listen, here is a path that has worked for so many that I know would work for someone like you. We do it one day at a time. We catch up each day. We do it one moment, one day at a time. I like one day at a time. I really do because it is one day at a time.

It is one day at a time, one minute at a time, five minutes at a time, one hour at a time, whatever you need. Break it down as small as you need to.

It is not about getting sober. It is about learning to live differently. Getting sober reminds you of alcohol. Remember this, folks. I am going to mess with you right now. How many of you have been to a casino? Do not go, but okay. I go to. I have gone from time to time. I have a lot of control over it now. On the bottom of the cups, there is a thing called 1-800-GAMBLER, which you can call. Those are sponsored by the casino. I just want to be very clear about this. The casino gets a write-off on those little cups that used to be the change things because it is 1-800-GAMBLER.

When you talk about having a gambling addiction, it makes you want to gamble because you think about gambling. Learning to live differently has no emotional attachment. Learning to be sober is very different. My recommendation is to listen. One of the past accomplishments is getting sober. I am learning to live differently, live differently, no emotional charge. Sober is like, “I got to get sober,” live differently, find new reactions, live differently, creating new patterns. There is no emotion involved. Sober sobriety is attached to alcohol and drugs, and legal and illegal drugs.

I would, on that note, I would say that I hear when I hear someone say, “I am just trying to make it till tomorrow. I am just trying to stay sober today. Just trying to make it to 30 days. I am just trying to make it to 60 days.” Those are the people who do not make it.

Think of word just instead of I am in the process of.

The people that the people that make it are the people who are trying to live life differently. It is like, “Yes, I am sober. I do not drink.” That is not, “I am trying to stop drinking. I am trying to make it to 30 days. I am trying to make it to 60.” Those are the people who struggle. That is short-lived.

I could tell you the most dangerous words, Tim, are to go when I let you say and some of you, “How many of you have been sober for a few months? Has it been a few months?” Somebody looks at me as too easy for you. I am going to teach you the craziest thing right now. First off, be proud. You’re doing it. That is great. You’re already on your way. You’re already, you’re already an influence. Congratulations are freaking great. This is the part I want to really understand. Who here has ever watched a professional athlete, like I am old, but Michael Jordan, how many have ever seen Jordan, Kobe, Wayne Gretzky?

Mike Tyson was my guy when I was a kid. How many of you like to punch people like Tyson? What is interesting is you look at a guy like Tyson or Jordan or Kobe or LeBron, and everyone repeats after me. We say things like, “How do they do that?” Watch this in their lies, false idols. If you’ve read the Bible at all, false idols are a bad thing. You’re looking at how they do that? We’re putting them on a pedestal as much as we can, and we cannot. Watch the shift. How can I do that is different. Do not look at me, and go easy for you to say what you need to say is how can I do that?

As I say, “That is easy for that guy to ride that motorcycle. He has had him for over 30 years, man. Easy for him,” versus how could I do that? The second you realize you could do it too. That is where life changes. We typically put people on pedestals, which means we put ourselves in the ground. Remember the Jetsons when we were kids, where Space Lee was up on a desk. Does anybody remember the Jetsons that we are? I talked to two of you. We look up like this, like it is a big thing. Instead of looking up at something, we need to look up at ourselves.

Instead of looking at me, go, “Man, that is easy for him.” Say, “It would be easy for me too. How can I do that?” Not, how do they do that? When we put it as they, we make it hard for us. How can I do that? You go to a meeting, “I’ve been sober 45 years. How can I do that?” Your mind goes, “Plan. Get Michael to do that.” Those words. Next time you watch a pro athlete, you watch the Olympics, comment, “How can I do that?” Not, how do they do that, but how can I do that? Change your whole life. Confidence goes up because you can. If you dedicate yourself, you can.

Of course I can.

Good. Anyone who sees that was a sneeze. Solid. If I needed a guy to sneeze, good. You did great.

You talk about raising your average. For someone who has been in active addiction, their average has been pretty low. Maybe in survival mode, shame, chaos. How do you start raising an average that is underground?

First, we figure out what an average is. How many of you believe that, at some level, you do the same thing all the time? Does anybody know that you eat the same food when you’re out doing what you’re doing?

We were just talking about this before you even came before you even showed up. You sit in the same seat, you order the same food at the same restaurant.

You’re doing the same website. You do the same thing. How many of you have done this? You get in your car. I am hungry, and you go, “I do not want to go there.” You do not go to that first place. You drive around for 45 fricking minutes just to go back to the first place. How many of you have done that? It is like a pattern we have. We have an average, and our average is us. My license plate on my truck says average sucks for a simple reason. It is just to remind me every day that my average will never make me happy.

At my higher level, what I want in life that I am capable of is going to make me happy. The problem we run into as people is that our unconscious minds are designed to take the path of least resistance and to get us what we said we wanted in our lives. The best way I could explain this to him is that everything we do in our lives was a really good idea at one point. How many of you realize that at one point it was a good idea? Anybody got that like you’re having a bad thought in your head? Pick up a drink. It seemed like a good idea, right? Just this thing at the moment, it was a good idea.

 

We have what we do not want, what we want. What really controls us is our identity and how we show up in people’s lives. Every one of you has a pact or has an agreement with people like, “Listen, we need an addict in our family. I will take the role.” I am being serious. Every family needs one. How many of you are cool with letting somebody else have that job? How many of you know what I am talking about? Let someone else be the addict. Let someone else be the guy with the problem. I am the guy sober now. I am the guy feeling good. I am the guy in recovery.

I need a broke guy in the family. Need a guy with an issue in the family. I need a rich guy. I need this. All jobs are available. We just keep on taking the same role. You can be Luke Skywalker, again, I am a Star Wars guy, or you can be a man holding a spear in a corner. Do you guys get it? They’re both available. One pays a lot more than the other. One has something cool. How many of you want the force? I want the force. I want the power, right? How many of you have seen as you got me? Do you ride a bike? Do you ride a motorcycle? I am looking at them like I am watching Sons of Anarchy.

You could be Jax. Remember that show? You could be like the guy, or you could be the guy that gets run over. Do you guys know what I am saying? My desire is for all of you to realize that we have an average, and we keep on doing the same thing. What would you like your average to be? If you want to change it, here is the secret. It is a script. Now, let me explain what I mean. What is a movie that I might know that you guys know? Does anybody like to throw me a movie? Anyone throw me a movie, not Star Wars?

A movie with a Lord of the Rings Godfather, Don Corleone, we can tell him from Jersey. Godfather, or like Braveheart. Have you all seen Braveheart? He has a script for Liam Neeson in Taken. Have you ever seen that movie? What did he say? “I have got a unique set of skills, and when I find you, I’ll kill you.” He did not say, “Bro, what is up? I am going to knock you out.” Did he not say that he said what?

“I have got a unique set of skills, and when I find you, I am going to kill you.” It is a script. Every day we wake up, we have a script. Our average is our language. It is how often we say that word in that order that produces the life that we have. The man holding the spear in the corner says, “Me hold the spear.” If you want to be Brad Pitt, and I am like, “I do not know, Fight Club,” you’re going to sound different, which is a great movie. Everybody should watch.

Dazed and confused.

What is a dazed and confused? You can be one of those roles, right? That is a great movie. It is a great movie. How many of you have been dazed, and I have been very confused. The point is, I would say your average is how often you use what words in your life and in what order create what it is you have, and you’ve got a script. How often do you say that? Before I go to bed, Tim, one of the things I do is have a must board next to my bed, a sheet of paper, and a pen. Do you guys, we have pens here? Do you guys have paper?

Before I go to bed, I decided the next day is going to go. I go, “Here is how tomorrow’s going to go. Wake up with energy.” Number two, find a way to help people and make someone smile. The next day, I did all three of those things. I am like, “God, I am good at this.” The next thing goes crazy. Find a way to make a little extra money. Man, I am good at this. Funny is like we design our script, and it’s your script. “I am a screw-up. I am a loser. I do not do that. I like to make that noise too.” If I start saying that stuff to myself, I do not know if that answers your question, but that is your average.

That is a good answer.

It is how often you say what words in what order, and you are not being anal about it. How do you walk around? “My life sucks.” My life sucks about the script. Things are easy for me. That is a BS script. They’re not sometimes, but a really great script would be, “I am literally going to stay away from my past unless to laugh or learn. I am going to learn something today about my life, and I am going to go help some people.” When you make your life not about you for a minute, we stop being selfish, focus only on our problems, and life gets easy. I believe God wants to help people more who are helping other people than those who are focused only on their own problems. I do not know if religion comes in here, but it is now.

Communication & Language

What is one communication strategy you share with your high-level clients that works every time?

Every time is a loaded thing. Nothing works every time, but stuff that works regularly.

Why don’t we tell people who are in early recovery, give them a strategy that works every time?

I would say right off the bat, I would say, “Listen, you’re doing great, and you know you are. Right off the bat, and we’re going to do this together.” I am going to tell you, here is one thing I would say if somebody was getting sober or getting off drugs or staying away from something they needed to stay away from, I would say, “We’re going to build a new you.” I also realized people are in recovery. I give them this little thing that is, look right and I look left. I say this to them. I said, “Listen, are you okay with the idea that this may be easier than you thought it would be?”

See my first session with me one on one is, are you okay with the idea that this could actually be easier than you thought? I just want to be really okay that you’re okay with that. When you work with me, it has got to be easy, and it has got to be quick, and it is going to be fun. Number two, I look at him, great. The first thing I would like you to teach me is, can you teach me your strategy for happiness? Nobody has an answer. Nobody taught you to trigger happiness at will. No, I did not get that class. Dude, I think that is where we start.

How about we spend our next couple of sessions learning how to create happiness at will? Do you know that happiness? Self-love is the eradicator of doing things we do not want to do. Help them build that. That is one of the first things we do because did any of you when you were in school, did anybody teach you how to deal with a bad day? Did anybody take that class? How to deal with a bad day? How to deal with a breakup? How to deal with when bad shit happens? Nobody. Let us build a strategy like a little boop, a little button we can create on ourselves.

Self-love is the eradicator of doing things we do not want to do. Share on X

I teach them techniques on how to notice things. Even with food, I tell them, “Listen, most high-functioning people I know, like if you look at the religions that limit food, they’re the wealthiest people.” Guaranteed, the groups that you will look at economically that will limit either certain things or certain urges, they are the wealthiest of all groups of people. Found this out. Let us create something like that for ourselves. I teach them how to limit their simple urges. Here is what I do. I would say, when you eat, most people call it all food. I say to them something as simple as this.

The next time you eat, you want to talk to your food. That sounds stupid, but if you’re going to put it inside of you for the next 4 or 5 years, it is going to live there for a while. You probably should know its name and where it is from. It is like dating. Do you guys get that? I am being serious, and I make a joke. I would say, “Food is one of three things.” It is not food. You call it food. All addictions are not the same. It is different. I would say foods are three different things. It is nutrition, which is like broccoli and protein with nothing on it, entertainment, Taco Bell, and then binge eating.

How many of you have been at Philibertos at 3:00 in the morning? Do you guys know what I am talking about? That is binging. You should not be there. Do you guys get it? That is not good. That is an addiction. When I look at it that way, the next time you have food, just ask yourself a question. What is your name? My name is Doritos. What are your intentions with me? Get you to feel like crap. The thing is, I call things for what they are. My clients say, “If you’re going to go drink tonight, go do it.”

Here is what I want you to do. Just tell yourself the truth. “I am going to have this tonight. I am going to feel like crap tomorrow. Let us go.” They’re like, “Take all the fun out of it, Michael.” It is funny they call it happy hour, isn’t it? Why don’t they call it a bad day hour? It’s because the next day is going to suck. How about draining your bank account hour? Correct? We do not get high, we get low. The whole world should start looking like, “Do you know what I did today? I got low.” “No, you did not get high, you got low.” There is no one who wants to talk about that part. No one has ever said that before, have they?

No. Have you read Letting Go by David Hawkins?

It sounds like a good book.

It is a great book. He talks about attachments. The reason why we’re not happy is that we’re attached to the way that we thought that things should be. It is all about attachments.

We’re attached to our rules in our lives, and I hate rules. You guys admit you do not like rules. Stop with the rules. This is good. I am enjoying this.

Answering Questions From The Audience

No, we’re not going to stop. I have more questions, but I want to open it up to the crowd. You guys have questions?

What is your name?

Cody.

It is a good name.

Thank you. How do you feel about the saying, “Do not worry about the past, do not worry about the future, just worry about what is going on in the present?”

I do not think I’ve ever heard that before, but I know what you mean by it. You mean like being now?

Yeah.

Here is my question. How does it work for you? How I feel about it is irrelevant to you. Now, if you want to know what I like, that will help you understand me. Do you understand me, or do you want a better plan for you?

That is a good question.

It is interesting. I always love to understand what people mean by something. Someone’s guess I want to get sober. What is your definition of sober? Everyone’s got different. That is a great question, isn’t it? Sobriety means different things to different people. Some people have 40 meetings a day. For some people, it is twelve weeks. Some of it is no meetings. We need to know what your outcome is. Ask the question again?

How do you feel about not living in the past, not living in the future, just living in the present?

It is not easy, but it is also not hard. It is necessary because words are not such things as the past or the future. There’s really only now. If you really think about it, it is not. What are you talking about? When you tell me about what happened when you were nine, you’re just telling me about pictures, sounds, and feelings that have already happened. You cannot even tell me about a trip you went on and be honest with me because the past is all lies. Anything you tell me, like let us just say, “Last week I drove to the store. Lie. Did you come back?” “I do not know.” I cannot talk about so I think the only thing that makes sense is what is happening right now, which is wonderful because we could change now in a moment.

I agree with you on that, I really do.

Does that answer your question?

It does because you cannot worry about what happened back then.

I always tell people, totally optional if you want to worry about the past and be miserable, totally optional, is that what you want?

Nope.

You’re doing great, but you knew that already.

Thank you.

Caesar.

What is up, Caesar? How are you doing?

What kind of bike did you get?

I do not have one yet.

I had one, I had to tow it though.

They have to tow it?

Sell it.

They said tow it. What happens? What is going on?

You said that you’ve never seen a call challenge in baseball, and whether it’s baseball or not, it is a sport. They can challenge it in baseball now, and they get reversed all the time.

What I mean is that I mean from the yelling. That is completely different. What I meant by that was that there are reviews now because of that. What I am talking about is just someone yelling at somebody.

I was just joking. I know you are.

He’s like, “I want the million bucks, or you buy a bike.”

Sure. Why not? You mentioned that you do not believe in calling yourself an alcoholic or an addict or stuff. Can you elaborate on that a little bit more? I do not call myself an alcoholic or an addict. I do not like those.

We share a similar vibe, and I like both of these questions. A lot of times, we’re looking for in life, we’re looking for, this is what I love about this community. I love what Tim does, and I love what we’re doing. We’re getting on with other people who are headed on a similar path. My problem with the word addict, does not summarize that there is a problem. The way the mind works, just to give you guys quick clarity, there is the brain in the mind, and you never should see your brain. If you’ve seen your brain, that is very scary. Do you guys get it? The mind runs the brain.

That is your operating system, like what runs your phone. It really has a couple of very simple objectives. One is to continue to get you what you talk about by looking for advantages and things to avoid. When you say addict, it is a code word for a problem. The mind is like “Addict, addict, addict.” What do addicts do? Addicts take substances. You start thinking more about it. I am working on living a very clean and healthy life. I am very careful. Even if we were not talking about drugs and alcohol, we say, like man, a divorce. Let us say divorce. Has anyone been through a divorce? It is a tough man.

What does divorce come with? Shame? Guilt? I mean, there is no way it does not. It is built in. Our people, divorce takes three seconds. You sign the little paper, and we’re done. What you’re doing is you have a different relationship with the same person. Has anybody ever lost someone they love? I even think of Sean. I talk to him all the time. He lives with my neighbor. He used to come over to my end. He was like, “What would Sean do? We like to talk to Sean. I can hear his voice. My relationship with the man is different. He is gone. He has been gone since 2019. He is not dead.

Our relationship is different. Death is so sad. Eventually, you go to no therapy, and eventually you realize, “Got it, my relationship with them was different.” The word divorce has a lot of emotions. The word addiction has a lot of emotions. You know what does not have emotions? Past. Live differently. That does not have emotions, does it? Why would we tie? I am a gambling addict, goes casino, play roulette, and blackjack. There was a time in my life when I had less control, and now I am learning to live differently. This is how I believe I could be incorrect.

I do believe, as Tim says, step one, get up there, man, admit it, bring the people in, let us go, but there is going to be a time in a very short order that we need to move past that. Am I correct? You do not want anybody leaving here going I am an addict. You want people to go, man. I have literally learned how to turn my life around. I am going to be an example of what else is possible. I am learning to use my life for something different. That is powerful. Does that answer your question?

Yes, it does.

That is a good one, man. Are you going to hang out?

Let us do it.

Good stuff. Do you like baseball?

I do.

Who is on your team? Are you from here?

Yeah.

I am a Yankees fan.

That is too bad.

It is okay. Who else has a question? I would love to get a couple more. Even if you do not have a question, what are you feeling or thinking? What is your name?

Luis.

You’re doing great. I can tell.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Today is your last day.

Your last day here, but your first day being an example.

That is right.

It is great. Good job.

Did you have to go to rehab or anything like that, or did you just do it on your own?

I just stopped. I had the same thing everybody else did. I had a pattern. People’s patterns are stronger than others. I had a pattern. I would go places. They would offer me a drink. I would take one. They’re a tough day. I would take one. I remember when I was a kid, I would valet. I would come home. “I had a hard day. I would go pick up a six-pack, and I would move your blockbuster and drink.” They did not need to do that. It was a pattern, right? I had a pattern. Do you like that word pattern?

Yeah.

You used that pattern, didn’t you? Now we’re going to make a new pattern. My car would drive into the liquor store. They drive by. Where I am going with this is I think of this is if we look at it as a pattern, like I have a pattern of driving by McDonald’s. Some people have a pattern of going in. Some people have a pattern of saying, “It is a good price. I have a pattern of saying it’ll kill you.” Just pick your pattern. Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, that is cool.

I am not saying your way is better than mine. You did the right thing. You’re here. We’re better now, correct? When was the last time you touched something you should not have touched?

Four months ago.

Dude, that is amazing. My belief is that if you can do four months, you can do 400 years.

That is right. Me too. Thank you.

Come chase me.

I will.

If you catch me, I’ll start. See, it is harder for me to start than it is for some people to stop. I want you to start talking that way. Smoking man. I am not against it. It would be so hard for me to start smoking. I do not think I could start. It’ll be so hard for me to start. I’ll let someone else do it and let someone else have it. Folks, we got to pass on like how many of you traded baseball cards? You guys are garbage pail kids? Have those? Trade on to someone else. The world needs someone else to take on your role. I would like you to hand over, not that we wish harm on anybody.

Let someone else go through what you just went through for the last four months. I want you to give that to someone else and give them the same outcome you got. We’ve got to pass on this problem, not a problem to someone else, but we’ve got to upgrade. You’ve got to upgrade yourself. Do an upgrade. I used to live differently. Now I do not. Let someone else have that. The world is always going to have these challenges. They do not go away. Let someone else have it, then they’ll get through it. Let us have a look at it. Swap.

Thank you.

Any other questions? You got one? What is your name?

I am Colton.

That is a good name.

Thank you, sir. My question is, a lot of the stuff you said I feel like I’ve been really trying to put into my life, just being of service, trying to run the process in the process of putting it.

We changed the algorithm to do “Siri, try to turn on the radio to say I cannot help you.” We’re going to remove the word try because Yoda said so, but the reason we’re going to remove it is that it is just bad programming, it is what I loser language. I love you, you’re a winner. Do you agree you’re the winner?

I do agree.

Do you agree that even people who drink a lot are winning? They’re winning at the thing they want to switch the thing you want, so now ask your question. It feels better, doesn’t it?

Yeah, it does feel better.

Give me that Tom Brady arrogant look.

Yeah, I am in the process.

Shit eating Grinny.

I am in the process of making these changes and just really like trying the process.

What is his name over there?

Caesar.

Caesar, smack you. I bet he’s like just a Care Bear.

I am in the process of putting these changes into my life, being of service to others, and really thinking about myself less. In the past, I’ve had a big problem where I get self-absorbed.

Hold on. In the past, it was not as easy.

It was not easy in the past. I was very self-absorbed. I was very delusional about how I looked at reality. I see things more clearly.

Let’s go with the but and make it an and.

The thing that you said in my case right now.

Am I your case or am I guiding you?

You’re guiding.

Let me ask you a question. Do you want advice from Tim or direction?

I want direction.

How many of you realize comeback recovery is not advice or direction. When you take a new direction, you get a new life. We’ve got to stop looking for advice. Advice is for beginners, and none of you are beginners. How many of you realize you take direction? Learn how to take direction. Someone teach you how to hold that bat. You want to hit a bat like A-Rod or whatever it is. You want to hit a bat like you want to hit like my daughter’s a figure skater. You want to be a gold medalist. Don’t take advice. Take direction.

Do not take advice from others. Take direction. Share on X

See, that is the thing that I have kind of, I am confused with though, is like looking at all these people and wanting to be like which people a rod.

Which people?

The gold medalist. How can I be that way when it is like I am in this place where it is almost like, why do I need to be anything else than who I am?

You do not. What I am saying is find the person who is a little closer to your future self, or take direction from yourself.

I do believe so.

Tell me someone you know who is living a little better than you. That would be a good next step.

Say you and Tim.

Great. What are we doing that you’re not? We’re focused on our language. One of the things my mentor taught me was this. When you eat, are you going to eat?

Yes.

Put your freaking fork down. Look how much control you have. I guarantee you will eat with your fork in your hand and never put that damn thing down. Put the thing down, sit back, chew your food. Take a deep breath, and you’re going to feel potential anxiety come out. People preload their fork. Put it down. “I am in control of your food.” Give yourself power everywhere you go. You put yourself in here. You can get yourself out of here.

It is cool.

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

I am delusional, man. I am crazy. I believe I am doing all this. You get what I mean by that fork?

Yeah.

What do I mean by that?

You mean taking the power back over every situation.

Was that advice or direction?

That was the direction.

I am in the zone all the time as much as I can, and when I am not, I have to get back there. I am optimistic, I am thinking positively, I think I am powerful. That is what I want you to do. This is not just over. Your issue has never been drugs or alcohol. Your issue is learning how to live.

It is like belief and intent in everything you do, the belief that I can accomplish anything that is in my way. I can control, not necessarily control, but I can control myself. In other words, I can control the reality around me because I am controlling myself.

If fear is false evidence appearing real, we need frequent evidence to appear that it is real. I am just making that up. The point is, if you have evidence that you’re powerful and in control, you can do anything you want. Give yourself evidence. Put down that fork. Read ten pages in a book. Tell yourself this is something I am going to do tomorrow. Find yourself doing it. If you give yourself, we have evidence to drink, we have evidence not to drink. I want you to give yourself some power, buddy. This is one of the things I do with my high coaching clients, the high-level ones. Tim asked me earlier, but I had to have a person like you to share this with. Is anybody learning anything right now? We’ve got to give ourselves evidence. That is all we’ve ever needed. Proof of concept. Got it?

Got it. I just got one more question. During the little podcast here, you said we should look up to ourselves, but I am confused. Is that like with humility and confidence, because sometimes I feel like I am looking up to myself?

It is with a blue shirt on a Tuesday while you’re eating a burrito. We’re going to teach you how to go from that one of the things you’re going to do. How long have you been here?

I’ve been here for like three weeks.

Fantastic, you’re doing great. One thing I’m going to tell you is one of your outcomes is how do I take my 5,000 or 10,000 thoughts I am having a day and turn that down to like a hundred or 200 or a thousand? I want you to do what works and not try to do it perfectly because perfection is actually procrastination. It is perfect, it is really massive. All perfectionism is, it is BS. It is just waiting for the perfect day to get started. There is no such thing as perfectionism. There is just procrastination and pretending we’re perfectionists. We’re just giving ourselves a reason. Do you know the answer? Why don’t you answer that for me?

I would say yes with humility and confidence, without the cockiness, because I feel like there is a fine line for myself.

Learning to get comfortable with my own confidence. Is that true?

I am learning to get more comfortable with my confidence.

See, there is no difference between you and me. I am just using my words differently than you are.

I see. You and I are identical. You use your words one way, and I use my words another way. Do you think it is some crazy magic trick?

No. When you change buts and and, your life is different. When you stop saying they and start saying I, your mind is different. You’re staring at me right now, and you’re taking a different path. You’ll find ways to be great. I’ll just say this to you and everybody, you’ll go through a process called sleep, and a lot of what I shared with you and what Tim’s been sharing for months, allows it to be easier. Before you go to bed at night, I recommend all of you. Do not be on the phone at night. If you do not have phones, turn those damn things off.

Read a freaking book. Whatever you do in the first 30 minutes before going to bed is going to be more important than anything else you do. While you’re sleeping, your unconscious mind goes through everything. I would just tell your unconscious mind, “Listen, you already know how to do this better than me. How about we wake up better tomorrow? I trust you.” Just go to bed. Go to bed and then wake up tomorrow, and you’ll have an idea, or go to bed watching three hours of horror shows on TV and wonder why you’re miserable because those people do the same thing I do.

These big corporations make these shows, so you get addicted to them. I work with addiction experts. They do the same thing as influence experts. They influence you to get addicted to your phone or drugs and alcohol. All these companies have addiction experts. What do they use? They use words. Now we need to become, if you’re going to be addicted to something, how about addiction to make a difference? How about being addicted to being an example? That is exciting. You’re getting it.

Thank you, sir.

You’re welcome. Make sense, doesn’t it?

It does.

What is funny is that you heard it, so it is inside your mind now.

Thanks for coming out. What was your name again?

My name is Michael.

Michael, I am John.

John, how are you?

Doing pretty good.

You’re familiar.

Right off the bat. I get that sometimes.

Are you a Gen Xer, too, with the name John? Huh? You’re a Gen Xer, you’re a ‘70s, ‘80s kid?

I am ‘86. Almost all Gen Xers were raised by one because the name is John, and they just stopped using him.

Tim, John, all these biblical names are gone.

It is technically Jonathan.

You, Johnny boy.

That is what they call me at work. Basically, what I am getting from this is, and I have integrated some of what you’ve said, but this is awesome because it is like, “Why not do it all the time?” Here is my favorite term.

More often than not. The reason more often than not, if you did it 51% of the time, is that great?

No.

Are you sure, 51%?

Yeah.

Why don’t you say more often than not instead of all the time? All the time is guaranteed loss. Nobody does anything all the time. Folks, you do not even love your kids all the time. Sometimes they drive you nuts. Does that make sense? You still love them. If they drive you nuts at that moment, I’ll kill them, but do not do that. The point is to say it again more often than not.

More often than not, I typically take your mindset. Where was this reverse psychology based?

Is it my mindset or yours?

My mindset, yeah, but I am trying to look at someone who is further along than me, not to compare per se, but direction. What I am getting from this is basically that happiness is a state of mind.

It’s a process. Depression is the thing we do, and happiness is the thing we do. Success is a state of being, and a state of mind is not positive. Happiness and positivity are not the same thing. It is literally a way that we hold our body, the way that we move, and the way that we look at life.

 

Just like immersing yourself in happiness.

That’ll be where you get started, and that is where everybody gets started until they get an example. Literally, if I went like happiness is lean like this, do this, twist this, and say dog. If that makes me happy that makes me happy then every time I can do it. If happiness is only the day I get a brand new puppy, I’ll be miserable because what are you getting a puppy every day of the week? It’s very expensive, a lot of poop. A lot of people say I am only happy when this happens with great limitations.

Happiness is a choice, and I have a lot of ways to be happy. I am happy when I help people. I am happy when I learn something about myself. I am happy when I find myself doing something, and I put it down. I’ll tell you, you’ve got to give yourself more ways to be happy than not. The problem is that most people are only happy when I am sober and rich. Are you sober and rich now? No. You cannot be happy. That is ridiculous. I am happy whenever I have a good thought, read a book, pet a dog, or take a deep breath.

Got it? Heck yeah. You being a Yankees fan is probably a silly question, but you’re obviously going for the Knicks.

Yeah, I am a Knicks fan. It goes to the Knicks, Rangers, and Yankees.

Were the Jets or the Giants?

Giants for sure.

I figured so.

I grew up a Hostetler, Dan, and Phil Simms. Probably know who it is.

Do you despise the Cowboys as much as Phil?

I do not despise anybody. I think they’re great.

Likewise.

Anyone who gets that level, do not despise any professional athlete. They’re absolutely all amazing. Anybody who can get to that level is unbelievable. I love watching greatness. It is very attractive. All of us have it inside. You just have to accept it.

You’re awesome. Thank you. I appreciate you.

It was fun. You guys are great. You’re doing great things.

Who else has a question? Any last question? Sometimes, after this, people come up and say, “I have a question I did not ask.” Just remember, any question you have, someone else has that question too.

Here we go.

Thanks very much.

You’re welcome.

I hesitated or did hesitate to ask this question because it starts off all hoity-toity and kind of just ends with a very simple what is your perspective on that? Recently, I’ve been very into the way that language shapes our minds, and that ultimately, language, just like everything else around us, symbolizes certain things to us. Words do not have inherent meaning.

The word stop sign only works if you’ve been around a stop sign. You know the word stop. You’ve seen the sign before. To someone who has never been around a stop sign before, it might be a great place to bang your head against. What is your question? I wanted you to talk about using synonymous words, but changing them into knowing the difference between them. How does one do that when they understand that words are illusory?

You’re using words on yourself, like a magic trick, because you’re not going all in on this. You’re like this, but I am scared of it. I want to do it in Lucerne, and like you’re using fancy words. I went to Arizona State. I cannot really spell that well. I want you to listen to what I am about to say. I had trouble working out for years, and I could not figure out why I got up. I said, “I need to work out.” Workout led to getting it for 5 to 7 days. Did it for two weeks and stopped. I was always able to do it as a kid. I could not figure out why I could not do it. I am like, it is attached to an old version of me.

I stopped working out. I think it is stupid. I’m training now. Training is my version of a workout. The train gets me to do it. Workout, you see where I am going? I found a word that works for me. You’ve got to find the language that actually works for you and serves you. Does that make sense? I find words that work, and I play with words. I am like, “I am in love. How do you know?” They’re like, “I just really liked that person.”

Do you like them or do you love them? Do you love them or are you infatuated? Which is it? Are you obsessed? We like to play with language until we fall on the word that works. If any of you have done sales, we always want to learn how to sell and market to other people, but very few people are good at marketing themselves to themselves. That is what we need to get. I am a sell me to myself.

That is great. I bought a website years ago called How to Sell Yourself to Yourself? That is what we’re all looking to do. It is all a sales pitch, folks. Everything you want to do is going to be a sales pitch. What kind of pitch? Man, I got a problem. That is a pitch. Man, this is all going to work out. That is a pitch. The better the pitch, the deeper it is emotional, the better chance you have of doing it.

Second question on that. What if someone does not like sales, for example? How would you wear that differently then?

Is it that they do not like sales or that they do not have a lot of experience with it?

For example, someone like me has experience doing so, but I hate it.

I would say you’re selling right now on why I should listen to you, but that is fine. You’re doing it anyway. You just do not want to admit it. What would we do? Instead of me telling you how to do it? What would we do now that you understand? Do we need to get better at sales, or do we need to learn how to influence ourselves?

Got it. Yeah.

I am not attached to which word? Is he leaving already? Are you going?

Yes. I just have to discharge.

Congratulations, man. The world deserves to see more of you show up. Has that world out there seen even the version of you that they’re capable of seeing? A little bit each day. Instead of getting better each day, how about you share with the world a little bit more about yourself each day and show how great you are? Go be an example.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

That is awesome. Got it? Need one more, Tim? That’ll take your final questions or thoughts. These are great guys. This is ten times more enjoyable. I thought it’d be great. You guys were ten times greater than I expected. Even the quiet ones. All of you.

What I was thinking about is, before people go to bed, how important is the last thing that they do to read or listen to before someone goes to bed at night?

You want to capture this? Before you go to sleep at night, you’re going to spend eight hours with your mind at probably the least amount of external thoughts as possible. It is also going to take the thing that you just said a few seconds ago to yourself and it is going to run it over hundreds of times over and over again. It is not something to be scared of because a lot of times I’ll say to people, “Careful what you say before you go to bed.” It is like, “I watched this. It is going to get wet.”

That is not the purpose. It is a suggestion. Before you go to bed, I encourage you to make a suggestion to yourself. It is super important because what you think about before you go to bed will live in your mind for eight hours every night, and it’ll believe you’re talking about you. The other thing I am going to tell you is that if we spend our time complaining about other people or talking about other people, your unconscious mind does not know the difference. When you say “John is an idiot,” your mind does not know what a John is. It thinks you’re an idiot.

Just the word idiot makes you think of an idiot. The word alcoholic makes you think of alcohol. Whatever you think about, you bring about in your mind. You’re like, “That guy is always late and then your mind is conditioning yourself to be late to ruin the relationship, versus “They’re not on time. It happened. One of the things that we need to recognize is what to do before we go to bed, that is your sacred time, that 30 minutes before bed. Take a deep breath. Take a bath. Do whatever you’re going to do. Take it easy. Read ten pages in a book. Get a yellow book white.

Read a physical book, tactile. Something you can touch. Scrolling on your phone is 100% not a good thing to do. If you do it, you’re not a bad person. I am just going to tell you, blue light and all that, you sleep well. Yellow book, you’re like, “That is boring.” It is supposed to be boring because you go to bed. Do you guys get it? Yellow book light, it is funny when I mentioned this to Cameron Harold, immediately we’re at dinner, he buys on a 60th, he bought himself a yellow book light immediately. Why yellow? It is not white. It is calmer.

Yellow book light, physical book, read ten pages of useful information or a great story. The shows are designed, as I mentioned tons of anarchy earlier. I would wake up in the middle of the night. I tested this on myself. I would wake up at like two in the morning and grab my phone and want to watch more because like, what is going to happen to this guy? They make each of those characters relate to somebody in your life, or you or someone else, and they leave all the open loops so you have to actually wonder what is going to happen. They’re designed to create anxiety. Anxiety creates the need to continue. Thought machines are designed for anxiety, too. Pretty interesting, right? One or three times just to see you guys now.

Episode Wrap-up And Closing Words

Is there something I should have asked you that I did not ask you?

Nope. Other than to come back again and do it again. I think that would be great. I’d love to. I really enjoy this.

Where can people find you? I guess you want to talk about the core. We talked a little bit about the core. Do you want to talk about it?

We can talk about any of it. Core is a great place to get started. First, a really cool thing is that if you have a chance, every week I have to do a YouTube live show where I’ll literally answer questions. People will literally call in and ask any kind of question. It is crazy. It is like they have Ramsey’s show, he is talking about how to be rich. I like how to make your life work. People call in all the time. They ask questions. A great place to find me on YouTube or Instagram.

If you want to come to that core event, it is easy to find out about. I always recommend that if you’re serious about it, I have a couple of things that you can do, but you just reach out to me. I always give out my email address. MichaelBernoff@gmail.com or you can text us at 480-800-8051. That is for serious people. If not, be a stalker. Stalk me. Watch me do what I do. You’ll get enough evidence that he helped that guy. That kind of guy looks like someone I know.

He helped that girl or helped that person. You’ll watch me long enough to know that after 25 years and learning my story and the things that I’ve done, I got the call to help the kids after the second shooting in Columbine, after PTSD work. I can help people with pretty much anything when we do that. That is the extreme of what I do, but I also help everyday people like us just get the life they want.

I do advanced psychology work one-on-one. I do group setting stuff, but man, the group stuff is the best because how many of you learned from each other today? Is this cool? It is fun. You have a question? I hand one up. I have a website. I got this thing called the internet. If you type in Michael Bernoff, I am not hard to find.

Write that down for me. How do you spell your last name?

I am going to make it easy for you because you’re asking. I am going to give you a copy of my book.

That works.

Under one condition. Will you read it?

Yes, I will. I’ll do it right before I go to bed.

A lot of people say they’re going to do things and do not. You’re not that person, are you?

No, I am a man of my word.

I am giving you this. You’re going to have to come get it later, but this is yours, because you asked. You read that. My name is on there. MichaelBernoff.com. Type in Average Sucks. It would be hard not to find me online. That is a good answer.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

When you guys are out and ready, come see me when you’re ready. I’d love to work with you guys because I have something special. When you’re out, and you’re doing the thing you’re doing, you come find me. I got something special for this room. Anybody said, “Man, I was in that room that day.” I got something special for you that you’ll like to hear. I got a little extra gift if you want to join us for one of the events. When you’re out, you message me, and you’re ready. Let us chat, but find me online too in advance. You should be watching my videos along with recovery. It’ll help you.

You can follow or watch this episode. It’ll be on our YouTube channel and also in the team recovery app. You can find it there.

This is a great man.

Michael, I appreciate you. Thank you so much to Michael Bernoff.

 

Important Links

• Michael Bernoff
• Michael Bernoff on YouTube
• Michael Bernoff on Instagram
• MichaelBernoff@gmail.com
• Human Communication Institute
• Average Sucks: Why You Don’t Get What You Want (And What to Do About It)
• Psycho-Cybernetics
• CORE Live
• Letting Go

 

About Michael Bernoff

Michael Bernoff is the founder of the Human Communication Institute and the developer of Human Interaction Technology™ (HIT) — a framework that helps people identify the hidden psychological triggers and communication patterns shaping their decisions and behavior. The author of Average Sucks: Why You Don’t Get What You Want and What to Do About It, Michael has impacted hundreds of thousands of people through his programs, live events, and one-on-one coaching.

He has been alcohol-free since New Year’s Eve 2016 — a decision he made not from a rock bottom, but from a clear choice to live at a higher standard and be a positive influence in the lives of others. His flagship event, CORE Live (October 15–17), draws people from all walks of life — including many in recovery — who are ready to stop settling and build the life they’re actually capable of. Based in Scottsdale, Arizona, Michael is a trusted voice in the Phoenix-area recovery and personal development community.